My heart is breaking today. I want to die. I am all alone in this world, unloved and forgotten. I am breaking down in the moment surrounded by strangers and strange smells that have come barraging into my sacred space and pegged me into a corner. I don’t have the will to live anymore. I look for ways to end my life that doesn’t require umpteen steps to get there. I wish to just slip away in my sleep, in silence, in peace. There are spies everywhere. Pseudo friendships of users and manipulaters. Pretenders. I want to simply vanish, disappear without a trace knowing no one would ever call to find me and it will be as-if I never was. If I am a Goddess, it doesn’t add up. There is something inside me that fails to love or be loved. I must have been an angel once, but the universe has me outcast. I pray for my quick death but my whole life has been a slow grief stricken process of dying. I want it all to end. I visualise my soul manifesting in mist; graceful swirls arising from my lifeless body. Ascension taking me back home to timeless euphoria and relief. All I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved but I am not worthy. None of us are. If life is a gift, I have been an ungrateful bitch.
But we all have down days. Poetry helps me to purge and heal.
© Copyright 2021, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
Poetry Out West 
I felt the same way yesterday
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I hear your pain. Sometimes this life can feel like torture and the only promise of relief is in death. I really hope you find a way to peace whatever that looks like. Sending love x
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I’m doing ok. My garden is my therapy at the moment. Can’t face the world yet, but I’m still alive ☺️ thankyou 💚
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So glad you’re doing ok and your garden is helping. It’s so important to find a way of expressing yourself that feels helpful and nature is so healing. Thinking of you x
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Truly moving. You have such a gift with words. I have felt the same despair and wish you wouldn’t have to suffer it. But saying that, I have also gone through the darkness, and have found a light. It may not seem like much, but hope is always there, you can be scared or dismissive of the light. But, it will eventually help to stop the isolation and torment that you may feel at this moment. You are an amazing writer and should be proud. Your writing is fantastic and you have a remarkable gift.
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Thankyou. I’m still struggling, trying to push through but it’s hard this time. I don’t want anyone around me. I’ll be alright
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Each day I awake and give thanks for all those who keep me going as I battle cancer. Life always has so much to offer.
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Soooo not coping at the moment. I feel trapped and boxed into a corner, isolated and condemned. I don’t have any sacred spaces any more. I’m fed up with people, governments, corruption, liars, fake friends, manipulators and pretenders. I’m trying to remain calm, positive, optimistic and happy but I am surrounded by deceit, condemnation, contempt, passive aggression and utter bullshit. I feel so fucking controlled and powerless to rise above it all like I normally do and here I am complaining about my life like an attention seeking ungrateful bitch
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