God is Love

image

I feel shattered
fragmented
my self dispersed
willy nilly
this way & that; sparks

on a funeral pyre

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Isolated in a new country I proudly call my home, desperate for unconditional love and understanding. I am estranged from family who need no explanation least of all from me. We are grieving the loss of our precious little girl. The softest most gentlest child who has ever graced my presence. That’s the worst thing to comprehend. How could it all go so wrong?

Self pity and blame/shame become a toxic breeding ground for self-doubt.  Feeling victimized beyond where my psyche can find peace, I am being eroded from within. Still, those wicked thoughts work their way into my cracks, ever-widening, poisoning me from the inside out. I have a parasitic demon spreading its hideous tentacles into every mistake I have ever made reminding me of my foolish flaws. My lifesong is no more heard than those women in history; burned at the stake.

I thank God I was not born in that cruel Medieval era, although I recognise similarities in unjust sentences and we all know no one has a leg to stand on in times of prejudice. I see common sense, at the last-minute at least. Those women were tenacious, brave beyond measure and while the odds are gathering sticks stacking my pyre, my heart is with her and them, my love knows no bounds.

I make the calls, I speak my truth. It is all I can do to retain my dignity. My integrity is not in question, it has never been. I know right from wrong. There is  something insidious here at work, attempting to thwart justice by all devious means imaginable. It cannot last forever. She threatens me and us but though the system of things is corrupt, I am not.

Every day people are being dis – membered, crucified in the coldest places on earth. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but she has brought us here to witness our incarceration and suffering, inflicting us with that cold, soulless stare. Her lust barely disguising her thirst for that elusive elixir of life.

I am human. I suffer like everyone else. My reserves are low and my inner flame is almost extinguished – doused by lies and deceit of the most heinous kind. I pray everyday for divine intervention. More than ever to Mary, to God, Goddesses, to the Crones, to whoever will listen. Those who weave their ancient threads on the great wheel of life, deciding our destinies.

By descending into hell, this time I know with certainty that wheel will rise again and I will find myself ascending, transcending all that was before. My faith wrapping my warm, safe, loving arms around her and us. I believe we are in the right place at the right time but the reasons for it are as yet unknown. I face this wrath. I take full responsibility for whatever I have failed to see and I will mourn.

My needs are the least important right now. Longer lives are at stake here. I am reminded of the Inquisition where women and poor innocent children were burned for nothing more than uttering truth in a world full of unscrupulous doings. My littlest princess is growing up way too fast. Her world separate from her self.

My focus is on one innocent child who is but a pawn in this farce. It is she who I admire, her resilience and the knowing that one day soon she will be reunited with love and have the best that love can offer her to heal. It won’t be too late, for love can work miracles for the most cruel of experiences. I have witnessed first hand how God will intervene having carried me in his stead before. Children are born resilient. They have inbuilt protection and I trust that she will be OK.

God is love and he does not desert his flock.

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

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Fall From Grace

When I turn my back
on love
I fall from grace
face first
down the slippery slope
off the straight & narrow

I am a Fool
for taking that first step
blindly, like the child I am
my wide grin becomes me
& my pearly whites flash
brief moments of pure brilliance

I lose sight of love
& for a split second
I am left winded
clutching at straws
that seem to stick to me
like bidibids

Once again I am chastened
all that I have become
hangs on one long bated breath
my fingertips trace the outline
of your stoic shadow
I watch you fade to black, petrified

© Copyright 2009 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

the righteous & the wicked

Righteous. Pictures, Images and Photos

behavioural voice-over
exposed negatives
eyes flash a jaded smile
ruminating/pessimism

recycling the truth
defying natural laws –
impulsive machinations
scream
in the face of boundaries & trust
limited
to ones own imagination

wonders never cease to amaze
me here
in the recesses of my mind
where I control the masses
giving voice to unspeakable
shame

I am like the freedom march
my own prison; a running scared
commentary

my shank is chipping away
at the mortar leaving
remnants to slip

protection & self worth are inextricably linked
my inner critic my own worst enemy
here
the righteous & the wicked
seek refuge

© Copyright 2009 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved