I feel like I’ve failed. At life at a core but that I’ve failed a challenge and I know what it is and I see a dance of two souls navigating the sea
© Copyright 2022, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
NAVIGATION
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Tag Archives: Poetry Out West
I Can’t!
Henwood the Woodster, ‘Woody’ for short, was having a hard time making things work. He decided he’d try to put on his shoes, he had his socks on, this he could do but when he was trying to tie up his lace, he went round in circles again and again!
He had it all sorted inside his head going over and under and grabbing both ends but when it came time to twist through the hole, he couldn’t do it and he started to howl.
He was losing his sh*t, you could see it build up — till he finally snapped and then kicked a plant! He stamped his foot, let out a grunt, threw his hands in the air and said, ‘I CAN’T!’
He did a big sigh, he was doing his best but it was p*ssing him off so he gave up instead. He called to his mum with tears in his eyes, but he was trying really really hard not to cry.
It was doing his head in figuring it out, his brain was too quick for his hands to catch up. He almost had it before he gave in, but true to his form he kept persisting.
Woody the Woodster tried many times but his brain was so fast he couldn’t keep pace. He would get half way there and once more he’d snap, throw his hands in the air and yell, ‘I CAN’T!’
‘Its not working’, he said, his face going red, ‘I can’t seem to get the last little bit. Mum, can you show me one more time? This time I’ll get it, I think I’ll be fine’.
Mum sat down with Woody the man and showed him just how to twist round his hand. She popped the loop right through the hole and pulled them tight to make they hold on.
Woody was studying the way that mum moved, he undid the lace and tried once more. This time he got the loop through the hole but couldn’t quite grasp the two loops at a time, threw his hands in the air and again said ‘I CAN’T!’
Woody the Woodster walked away in a huff, he’d try another way he said to himself. He knew that one day he’d learn to do it, so he’d try again tomorrow, ‘to hell with it!’
The next day was Sunday, they were all going out, he had to put shoes on and get it right. He sat down in the corner out of sight and worked on his laces this way and that.
All of a sudden he let out a cry, he’d made it work and was full of delight. ‘Look Mum!’ he said ‘it went through the hole, I pulled both the loops and I made a bow!’
‘You did!’ said Mum, ‘I knew that you could, you just needed time to understand it’. Woody was chuffed, he felt like a man, threw his hands in the air and said ‘I CAN!’
He pranced around in his shoes all day, running and jumping and feeling gay. He felt good about himself, he had learned a new trick, he took off running then started to skip.
‘I CAN!’ he thought, and away he went with his bigger brothers Ronan and Harken. They had a great day in a national park, made all the more better with Woody’s bright spark.
© Copyright 2022, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
Looby — Get Out of the Way!
Dad is making breakfast in the kitchen.
The toaster goes FffAP!
Two slices of toast leap into the air, flying crumbs are everywhere.
Looby sitting under foot, pricks her ears and has a look.
Dad nearly jumps out of his skin and Atlas turns to see the din.
Dad swivels to catch the flying toast but Looby was standing way too close.
A paw, a slipper, a yelp and a shriek, dad nearly crashes head first in the sink!
One of them knew just what to say, it was dad telling Looby, ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is hanging out the washing in the garden.
The screen door goes THhhUNK!
Atlas came out to show dad his toy, Looby had followed and was full of joy.
She waddled and sniffed, chose a fine spot, and what do dogs do? She sat down to squat.
She grunted and sneezed, hunched and then squeezed – this time it wasn’t only just wees!
She scratched and pawed, bumped into dad’s leg – knocked him off balance what more could be said?
Dad took a step back and stood in the poo, threw his hands in the air and said, ‘not this too!’
He hopped as he landed while she jumped away, ‘for goodness sake Looby, GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is bringing Atlas’ lunch by the pool.
A ball hits his head with a TWAaCK!
Dad had to juggle or else he would trip, a plate of full of sandwich’s had started to tip.
A handful of odd sorts of things left his fingers, poor Dad had to struggle just to stay nimble.
Atlas was splashing, giggling and such, a huge smile on his face watching the fuss.
Then out from under the table shot Looby, spying a sandwich – her lunch had come early!
Dad’s face had gone red, he was losing his sh*t, he’d had enough, he was over it!
She was up-setting the balance that day, ‘for goodness sake Looby, ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is cleaning Atlas’ bedroom.
The vacuum cleaner goes PffMPT!
Dad peered down at a half eaten sock, ‘Oh no’ he said, the nozzle was blocked!
He bent down to fix it and pull it out, but Looby the dog would have none of it.
She jumped up and yapped and then bit the bar, Looby was taking it way too far!
Atlas had wandered away up the stairs, both of his fingers were shoved in his ears.
None of them wanted to deal with the mess, first it was breakfast now it was this!
Dad rolled his eyes and started to shake, ‘for goodness sake Looby, GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is preparing everyone’s dinner.
The pantry door slams shut with a SLAaP!
Atlas had been helping himself! He thought he would sneak a handful of stuff.
Fistfuls of crackers, biscuits and junk, he was not going to eat what Dad made with love.
Dad took those things off him and had a fit, he growled at poor Atlas and told him to sit.
Typical Looby had started to bark, protecting the family from imagined harm.
She ran in then away, yapping all the while, a barrel of legs, ears and snout and a nub for a tail.
Dad barked right back and told her to stay! ‘For goodness sake Looby, ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is resting in his lounge chair.
The volume on Atlas’ ipad goes UP!
Atlas was listening to clips at the table – balloons pop, things rip and the sound of crunched gravel.
Dad’s tired eyelids were about to close, he’d sneak a quick nap while the boy was amused.
Needless to say the day was not over, what more could happen Dad started to wonder?
Looby was asleep in between Dads leg’s, but the sound going up, had hurt Looby’s ears.
All of a sudden she jumped up and barked, stood on Dad’s balls and did a loud fart!
Dad’s eyes flew open, he grimaced in pain, ‘for goodness sake Looby, ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Dad is putting Atlas to bed.
The curtain rod fell off, hit the floor with a CLAaaNK!
Atlas had had fun, he’d trashed his room, toys were all scattered and clothes were all strewn.
Looby was standing all dopey and still, it was her bedtime, and she knew the drill.
She decided to be as quiet as a mouse, she was all sleepy and very tired herself.
Dad had to sort things and put them up high, but he tripped over Looby and let out a cry!
He stubbed his toe on the end of the bed, fell over head first, what more could be said?
He grimaced in pain, grabbed his foot and he howled, once again he raged ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY!’
Finally it was the end of the night, dad sat down in his chair and closed his eyes.
Looby had scratched and scrunched up her bed, did a few circles then lay down her head.
Atlas was curled up and fast asleep, it had been a big day, he was out to it.
The night was so quiet and everywhere was still. Goodnight dear family, sweet dreams and sleep well.
© Copyright 2022, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved. First published on Raising Atlas Rising, 2022
The Process of Evolving with a Special Needs Child
Life is good
But sometimes it’s incredibly hard.
Atlas wakes up at 5am, jumps into bed and snuggles me. He’s wet, but I’m too tired to move except to throw my arm over him and pray he’ll fall back to sleep. Peace, lasted all of ten minutes.
Sleep deprivation creates at atmosphere that’s blurry at best and tunnel visioned at worst. Quick to rise, de-escalation tactics take all my efforts to stay cool, calm and reasonably collected while I fumble through toast and a nappy change.
I make my coffee, roll a cigarette and head outside to watch the sunrise from the balcony. So far, so good. Atlas is giggling with his iPad, seated at the table and picking at his breakfast. Happy, lasted all of 10 minutes.
He doesn’t want toast, he wants something from the pantry instead except that’s not going to happen. Out come the fingernails – gouging and scratching and a temperamental defiance that escalates into a full blown tantrum.
Matty storms out of the bedroom, red-eyed and livid and puts his foot down. Peace, lasts all of another ten minutes before the pattern repeats.
I’ve had enough too. Gone are my attempts to keep the child’s mood on an even keel, gone are those feelings of inadequacy that I can’t contain Atlas long enough to let his father have a much needed sleep-in and so I take him to his bedroom, shut the stairwell gate and try to discipline the problem.
I fail miserably.
Snap! The proverbial shit hits the fan once again and this time, silence is a warning best served cold. Matty descends, a leg is slapped, a door is slammed and peace returns for at least an hour this time.
Meanwhile, I contemplate taking Atlas out of the house for a drive before he starts the cycle again. I panic. My clothes are in the bedroom, I’m not sure where the car keys are, will Matty approve, will Atlas lose it in the car anyway? I decide to wait a while longer. My jaw is sore from grinding my teeth.
Matty needs respite but I’m all there is and so we lurch from dawn to well into the early hours, exhausted and running on fumes.
Atlas is a cockblocker too.
The countdown to esctasy on hold for the indefinite future. Foreplay, fails to get either of us off the ground or high enough to move to first base, let alone dive in fingers first and squeeze one out. The conditions of our release barely blow off steam and the only thing getting hard, is life for the next two months, while we reassess the situation.
A temporary adjustment. Life is actually pretty good. Most days Atlas is on form and we make a great team but school holidays with a child with special needs, without any respite, requires strategy.
© Copyright 2022, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved. First published on Raising Atlas Rising, 2022
My Book
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I am about to publish my first book of poetry, being released in New Zealand and Australia. My collection of poems have been edited by the lovely Andra Jenkin (New Zealand) and myself with their new format soon to be updated, in excerpt form, on Poetry Out West.
My book will be available for purchase in all the usual places. Watch this space for book launches (Australia and New Zealand) and a chance to get an autographed copy.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all, for your likes, comments, encouragement, support and critique. Poetry is everything to me and without you all, it falls on deaf ears (hearts and minds).
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Angry Drunk Girl
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“It was well after midnight before the first cock crowed & the lights went out indefinitely.” JD Butler
We Ubered into town, once we got our shit together, sorted lines & tripped the lights. The Jack featured Bullhorn & us Dee Jay’s from Ashcats & Rizon, our Friday week off to a roaring 1920’s vintage swing finale!
Bar tabs, Summers, champers & me, the bar bitch on fine swagger for most of the night – till the light flipped & the angry drunk girl was refused entry. She swung through mad backbeats in-between Bullhorns’ ska, till the shit hit the fan in spectacular speakeasy.
Rizon flipped digital vinyl, off & on like the open & shut of Phil’s steam punk pocketwatch – Ashcat’s in fine time. Me, almost deepthroating the mic, freestyling to a crowd of five hundred or more, just before angry drunk girl showed up again, taking the piss while she ripped off her brazen bustier & let it all hang out.
It was not her finest hour, even though Carla’s lightbeam replaced stares, calming more than a sea of storming masculinity, it was well after midnight before the first cock crowed & the lights went out indefinitely.
*
Angry drunk girl reared her ugly head first thing in the morning – then decided it wasn’t worth the effort.
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Fear
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I’m afraid to let you in
fear
open myself up in case I make another mistake
his hands around my throat
turning my vulnerability into high voltage more powerful than I
fear
harming me more than my imaginations interrogate
the fusion of vocal chords
when you say beautiful amazing things to me; I don’t know where to look
self doubt bonded to grey matter
on fire, using myself against myself, feeling violated – crazy
fear
wondering recognition, unseeing myself in you
your soulful eyes a lighthouse or warning?
my turbulent wake adjusting. I think I’m fucked up
fear, or is it?
*
You are so beautiful
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Machiavellian Green-eyed Monster
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My Machiavellian green-eyed monster bats her surreptitious eyelids to within an inch of her lasciviously sly lips, barking out orders like Lady Muck subconsciously screwing her fucking finger, but all I can hear is a drum roll; her Devonshire high tea served & my Mad Hatter sets the scene with nothing more than a whistle
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Shedding my Skin (Shaking that Ass)
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I found myself once more
Remembering who, what & where I am – who my friends are
Reminding myself of love
Where I’ve been, where I’m going
Trusting whatever will be, letting go
Going with the flow
*
I’ve found my heart again
Radiating like a white lightening inferno
Spreading love like seeds to sow; in my happy place once more
Smiling, laughing
Dancing my way into the light, with a new lease on life
*
Once more I defy cruelty by design
Rising up, shaking you off
Washing myself clean, shedding my skin (shaking that ass)
My right place is right here now
& I’ve found more than hope this time
My spark is brighter than before
& it’s time I finally closed that door
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
This Is How It’s Done
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Artist Unknown
It costs nothing to show me you care;
holding my hand
makes me feel like I belong with you
stroking my face
makes me feel cherished
look into my eyes
and I feel seen, really seen by you
hug me
and I feel loved
when you smile
I feel warmed by you
when you praise me
it makes me want to do even better
when you run your fingers through my hair
I want to bury my face in your chest
when you tell me you love me
I feel like I’m yours
when you say and do all of the above
you show me how much you really care.
Now that isn’t so hard
is it?
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
The Great Love of My Life
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The great love of my life just walked away, for the last time
I fall in love with you every time I see you, preferring to forget your flaws
It was your smile, your cheeky grin ~ you’re looking up at me from under those lashes
I fear I would have you back in a heartbeat, if we were to meet again eye to eye
It’s the hardest thing, to choose what’s better for me, over my hearts desire
It would take years of reconciliation, together apart for the wound to heal to scar –
I think about it, us and you hoping, wishing, looking for bargains to bring us back
But it’s too late now
You left me four times, and I took you back; I could never trust a man like that
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
My Dublin Leprechaun
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Photos by me, Jodine Derena Butler, 2017
I landed in old Dublin town not far from Temple Bar
I found me seat beside the barman, drinking apple cider
My leprechaun he raised his eyebrows, looked at me and sang a smile
He strummed his guitar, tapped his feet and I was left my heart on fire
For I had lost my Ireland, Dublin calling me back home
I landed in old Dublin town not far from Temple bar
I found my seat beside the barman, drinking apple cider
A pint or three? he said to me, I laughed and clapped and danced a jig
He sang to me in Gaelic land and I held my Johnny’s strumming hand
And so it was, the cider flowed, and we were left beside us
I landed in old Dublin town not far from Temple Bar
I found my seat beside the barman, drinking apple cider
We made our way to Clontarf castle, almost tripping over feet
Now it could be said, of what he did, that roseyed my cold cheeks in bed…
My Dublin Leprechaun beside me, crying in his arms he held me
He found me in old Dublin town, not far from Temple Bar
On my seat beside the barman, drinking apple cider
My Dublin leprechaun he found me, and to this day he will remind me
I came home that Temple Bar, he sang to me and stole my heart…
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & ‘Poetry Out West’, All Rights Reserved
Version 2
I crossed the sea by winged plane
I landed in old Dublin town
I found my way to Temple Bar
Wth ruined roads a shambles
My Leprechaun was singing pretty
He sung to me of Dublin city
Fair lad and lass, love and loss
I felt my heart was heavy
I landed in old Dublin town
I found my way to Temple Bar
My ancestry lost long ago
Stories told me not remembered
My irish Leprechaun he told me
Some fair things are best forgotten
So I danced a jig to my long lost relies
And raised my glass of cider
I found myself in dublin city no Guinness factory
I raised my glass in Temple Bar
My Irish Leprechaun reminds me
Down at Temple Bar
I found myself in dublin town
Down at Temple Bar
My Leprechaun was a playin
I danced a jig for my long lost relies
I raised my glass of cider
And that was me, you see
I found myself in dublin city
Temple bar a clappin
One two three four times
I danced a jig for my long lost relies
Raised a jug to cider happy
Oh to be in Irish land
My irish Leprechaun held my hand
Oh my bonny lass
I Still Believe in Twilight
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Twilight
still, a gut wrenched
mixture of intensity
grief and deep joy
a juxtaposition of us
I was like Bella
you, my Edward
and I wasn’t afraid
in my dreams
I soared in my heart
till my heart stopped
diving into sorrow
my Edward morphing into Aro
*
I still believe in Twilight
even in your blatant disregard
I had my fairytale
Lady Jane had her way
shredding my heart in two
over a thousand years it would have killed me
tucked away under your tongue
under my breath
where everything moved
so bittersweet
*
I still believe in Twilight
although it is all I have left
of you
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & ‘Poetry Out West’, All Rights Reserved
Scent
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Photographer Veronika Marx – V’s Anchor Studio
The scent of a woman
made from floral Oriental arrangements
imbued sandlewood, tall poppies and heady ambient aura’s
is enough to make me linger – longer than wiser men swoon
tripping over their good fortune, as I sway through the market overflowing with trinkets
glittery things; replacing driftwood, pinecones, seeds and pods
cinnamon sticks and stones
eau de parfum of musk, nascent wafts of earth and wild rain
stay hidden from your touch, designed to draw you in
and leave you wanting
Scent
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Yellow
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Photographer Renk Renk Resimler
Yellow; traditionally the colour of death
Yellow roses in particular
Yellow, reminds me of my step-daughter
Yellow is also the colour of grief
the colour of cowardice and cowboy’s
jaundice and Nicorette
Lemons leave a bad taste in my mouth
Yellow. Not one of my favourite colours
First published on Far North Fiction
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler. ‘Poetry Out West’, All Rights Reserved
I Choose
I choose to remember, you
At your best
Full of smiles, laughter and honest love
Way back when, when I fell head over feet for you
On my balcony
Still remembering how we made love
Anywhere and everywhere
I think about those times, more often than not
Saddened by the depths of despair
That tore us apart
Fighting for our princess and all our hopes and dreams for her, for us
I miss you, your touch, your wanton ways that had me yearning for you, hourly
Do you remember?
Or choose to see me, like all the rest
Another woman whose done you wrong, although I never did
I loved you and we would have had it all, save the trauma and distress
Looking forward to a wonderful life
Even now, I choose to remember you as I knew you then
Plied up to the eyeballs on codeine and Restavits, just so you could sleep
Me, telling you there was a better way, and you cut that big pharma shit – lest Heath had a lend of your good humour
You were running thin and away
I thought you found what you were looking for and I nearly died
Saving myself from you
I long to see your face and look into your beautiful eyes, still
For a brief moment I found love
I hope to think that it wasn’t all for nothing
I wish only the best, despite it all
I forgive you.
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler. ‘Poetry Out West’, All Rights Reserved
Invitation
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Vintras, depicted here celebrating an unorthodox Mass called ‘the Provictimal Sacrifice of Mary’
I don’t need no invitation
I don’t need no gang control
No dark frustration in the clubhouse
Preacher leave those thugs alone
(Bridge)
Hey Preacher!
Leave those thugs alone!
(Chorus)
All in all you’re just a – nother prick in the pall
All in all you’re just a – nother prick in the pall
From the 1920’s Swedish Film ‘Witches’ (Häxan)
Pink Floyd – Another Brick in the Wall
First published on Far North Fiction
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler. ‘Poetry Out West’, All Rights Reserved
Crossing
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Crossing paths
Crossing swords
Crossing over
Crossing out
© Copyright 2017, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Yoyo
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‘Visons’ by Jefferson Muncy Art
I’m so up and down
nightmares
falling about the place
picking myself up
dreaming
dusting myself off
planning my future
scared
neither here nor there
clearing clutter
turfing rubbish
cleaning
pulling out weeds
rotating my garden
sleeping
up all hours
drinking coffee
high
low
bursting into tears
mowing the lawn
numb
lonely and tired
keeping appointments
shopping
feeding the cats
cuddling the dog
rearranging furniture
another movie
hungry
empty
moving this way and that
taking big chunks out
falling
waking
on a shoestring budget
/
wondering where it all went
wrong
© Copyright 2016, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
I Wish
‘Newborn Nightmare’ by Photographer Wojceich Zwolinski – Cambion Art
I wish you could see me but more crucial that you could see yourself
I loved you more than anyone but you gave me nothing to hold on to
or stop making nonsense some sort of sabotage
pandering to your paranoia – I preferred your sweet smile
remembering laughter when you really meant it
everything on our own terms not needing anyone or anything
your eyes meeting mine discarded clothes strewn about the place
you are all I see, nothings changed; my heart is still beating for you
wishing we were naked in our secret place, playing
with each others present tense, feeling everything we’ve lost
so we can find love again. I wish I could be happy in the madness
doing all the things you wanted me to
this something is not what I want no matter how much I keep thinking
you are everything and more because I could never love another and look past
history is so different this time, I can’t let you go when that first kiss was love
I am breaking down in my darkness my world running after my memory of you
I wish you would pick me up and cradle me in your warm arms because I’m so tired
let those thoughts go from my mouth; taste your beautiful lips
I want to take it all wrap myself around and breathe you in
I dont want to waste a minute wasting time waiting for you to rise
I wish you would walk away from those liars and tell me you love me
time wondering if it’s too late watching everyone take a deep breath
I wish I never met you but I want to see you one last night
you and all your misbehaving hoping it’s alright – but it won’t be
there is nothing worse than watching a man with his demons
and love die.
© Copyright 2016, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
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