Ms Writer (Drem Inspired)

image

           Me – Jodine Derena Butler 

I write because it helps me to express myself abstractly when I can’t figure out what’s going on around me in my head I write in layers most of it shit I’ve completed three undergraduate papers in creative writing I learned some techniques different ways to write but ultimately I didn’t go through with the Masters in Creative Writing I still get published I write as a distraction I write when I’m moved (usually depressed) I write about random stuff when I can’t sleep (like now) I’ve even opened random pages of a dictionary letting my fingers point to words with my eyes closed made a list then wrote something about what my unconscious picked out for me I write to avoid what’s going on outside my solitude I don’t like being distracted by outside influences when I am overwhelmed in emotional pain distressed angry whatever has flawed me in words I can write for hours days on end without stopping I’m learning to write flash fiction I read historical researched novels by Phillipa Gregory Ken Follett I love medieval times the clothing the way things were so absurd I’m naked in bed at 11.50pm wide awake Friday 4th December in Cairns Queensland Australia I might write something about bees tea leaves one day I’m going through some trauma right now so I am all over the show but this too shall pass I’m 47 48 in January I’m living a very full on life I play/ed various roles within it I haven’t yet found all those different voices to tell my story I’m closed up or free spirited it’s either one or the other my roller derby name was ‘Flash in the Panties’ in a past life that could be a funny story I’m really fucked right about now what color is your underwear?

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler & ‘Poetry Out West’.  All Rights Reserved.

REBLOGGED: By Art of Drem, 2015

REBLOGGED on Dream Big Dream Often

Advertisements

The Littlest Princess

image

She brings joy in little effervescent bubbles of fizz.

Tickling our hearts. 

We fall about the place; laughter spontaneously combusts into a heap on the floor. 

Heaven’s above!

Our stomach crunches burn.  Her light beams ear to ear.  Spreading over a meadow of wild flowers.

Do you think she knows?

We know. Her happy heart runs and jumps.  Arms wide open. A glory to behold.

Pure love.

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

RE BLOGGED by Bellever

Maria Mandel – The Beast

image

1.
Third Reich temporarily relocated
manageable – tangible concentration
Dachau liberation still being released
freedom taking years, eyes
adjust to light rays that pierce
our subconscious; burning
holes into our darkness

Reminds me of ‘The Beast’
her subtle sweet nasty streak
tempered in her ‘pets’
lecherous humiliation glares & whips
insubordination; any excuse
to lash out, eventually hanging
out for a punch up – not on my watch!

2.
I’m being overly dramatic
she is only a girl, ten feet tall
bulletproof but not yet vested
she is her mother & father
two degrees of indignant separation
dug heels into her size 10 boots
perpetrated under false pretenses
I am not like her mother

History is steep, Polish
past times remembered; repeated
incomprehendable trauma, still
repugnant infanticide – saving
your self in her
I admire your determination albeit,
age will polish temperance

3.
Soon we will all
coalesce together
one among many survivor’s
life is a journey not a destination
cliche, abundant blessings; gall
being called not by the balls
you wear on your T-shirt
our hearts on our sleeve

Category five winds rage
all that was before happened
lest we forget past lives forged ahead
sowing love, light & laughter
your time will come to transcend
armed with everything you need
carving your own temple & peace

4.
So will you my love
Grandma told you the stories
you pass down with pride
living, while others died for worse
your blessing may be a curse
but your heart is proud; a sin
none the less, reconciled with compassion
anger only perpetrates hatred

5.
Me? A well spring of knowledge
understanding beyond my years
faltering in the face of adversity
my strength testing integrity; loyalty
fidelity & trust
foolishness where my past collided
but I don’t have intent to harm
sadistic pleasure
is not mine to give

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

For my Sister

image

I remember when you were born
in 1977 mum had a fall, sprawled
out on the lawn
I had to dial dad in the cowshed
on one of those antiquated wind up
Long Short Short – telephones
I was 9

You had a stripy bouncy, I still have
that photo of you I need to find & post
I changed your nappies; whoa
what an eye opener that was!
I dressed you, fed you your bottle
I loved playing mum, babysitting

You didn’t have a dummy, preferring
an old cloth nappy that you wore down
bit by stringy bit, till all that was left
was the bias edge – you still have
shoved right up your nose
we all wondered what that stench was
when the doctor pull it out
green & gooey, everybody cleared out
gagging

When you grew older, I would sing
Roy Orbison ‘Crying’, I used to
make you cry but you wanted me to
you were my cute little blonde blister
we all loved you, you could do no wrong
that’s how it should be of course

When you had Stanlee, you were still a baby at 18
but so proud of your achievement
then you had Tayla, another blonde terrorist
lucky you
one of each to drive you round the bend
for the next 15 years or so

You always had a thing for cars
panelbeating, time out
in your woman-cave, your room/womb
you are now driving yourself
round the bend
your lead foot finally putting the boot in

Dad loved cars too, least you
haven’t lost a wheel yet – his wheel
won the race that day at Pukekohe
midget number 33
they used to race blind back in the 70’s
him & Barry Butterworth & Ted Tracey

Years went by & you met Ross
it all fell into place – finally
you make a great pair
‘Team Vulcanator’, team Campbell
my little sister all growed up
showing them all up
your happiness becomes you

I am proud of you, knowing you
have played your cards to suit
piggie-in-the-middle
tempered frustration behind the scenes
you tried for me, us and them
to see reason broaching the topic
with that fun sense of humour
laughing absurdity in the face

Thank you for being my big little sister
despite all the family bullshit
too young to understand
you can thank me for showing them
how to love you
they were too wrapped up
in themselves to notice me, such is life
children don’t come with a handbook
unfortunately

Anyhoo…I love you
I will always be here for you
no matter what they might say
I have money now (I hear you laughing)
I stole mine apparently (I’m laughing)
I don’t deserve anything
least of all happiness
but then I’ve only got to look at mum
trying to convince her self she is
her denial, anxiety & depression
past being passed down

Keep smiling & having fun
everything gets better with time
nothing else matters
but you’ve already worked that out
maybe there is hope for me yet?
but I hate everyone I don’t trust
having had the rug pulled out
from under me too many times
losing innocence & love
lost parts of my self I will never find
but as long as you are happy
I’m happy

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Lilith & the Incubus

image

Photographer: Ange Harper

Here we go again
for those of you sick
of this shit – Karma

Happiness, eludes me
over-analyzing everything
searching for that choice to make

Looking to purpose choose life
simplicity a complex solution
blind, numb, lost & forgotten

My brain hard-wired my eyes shut
Persistent Depressive Disorder
convincingly sees only what was

Nothing gets any better
I’ve never known anything different
happiness is Far Far Away, folklore

Farther apart I age, no wiser
life flashes before my eyes, wasted
it’s a miracle I have survived thus far

I may as well be dead
it’s like I’m dead
I feel dead

Burdons not just my own; contagion
leaching into every soul I touch
Incubus fornicate in my sleeplessness

Pervasive nightmares & thoughts
leave little light – my aura
hedonism postulating pleasure

Shit shows on at 4am

Doom & disaster, spiritituality
leper colonies shun; shamed
beyond toxicity

I am cursed
so is everyone in it
locked up for my own safety

Where is Lilith?

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

REBLOGGED: By Art of Drem, 2015

For My Children

image

1.
I miss you both
It saddens me, that you hold on
with such contempt
that I must wait for you
to grow, make peace with yourselves
in order to find forgiveness
in others, in me

2.
I was not a perfect mother
I don’t know anyone who is
except in our minds,
which compare; an apropos
of nothing really

One thing you can both be sure of
is that I do my very best
with the ancient tools I was given
with dedication & commitment
to myself, to raise you both better
better than I had ever known
or been shown of love
& I love you both deeply

3.
The women in our family carry a curse
I believe, still being passed down
Great Grandmother to Grandmother,
Grandmother to Granddaughter,
Mother to Daughter – witnessed
eyes knowing cruel contempt
for women

Somehow the trauma each of us
experienced, experiences
real, imagined or embellished harm
passed down through our DNA
our nature
through our environments
our nurture
trying to show us the wisdom
to know the difference

It is a blessing
your tenacity, persistence
& determination
fight to right those wrongs
letting go the past moving on
steadfast in search of that love
you desire

Our cells remember
the past lives of our ancestors
those crossed paths imprinted
on our mind, body & soul
power & passion
did not escape unscathed; scarred
permanently
our heart skipped many beats

We observe each other
observed by our men (& women),
surviving their own stories,
our selves attract to ourselves
psyche healing vicariously
most of the time, everyone
learning to find peace, love
happiness taking its time –
but don’t be fooled by pride
awareness is awry, warning

I do my best to break this cycle
not expose you to harm
triggered reactions lead us astray
our nautical compass
navigates storms, skewiff
I cling to my internal lifesaver
lest I drown at sea

My own mother is a farce
painfully denied & despised
tea leaves attempt to predict failure
our grandmothers are responsible
for nothing but vindication
like her mothers mother’s mother

I am your mother
you came from my body
you are of my blood
I love you,
my mother could never say that
once, in past tense
once, in goodbye

4.
I refused to drink
drunkenness hurt me more than ever
in the past, I was scared

I refused to drug
& I was spiked for my efforts, in vain
I learned his true psychedelic colours

I refused to parade men; a room
full of strangers, who could
watch & wait for those opportune moments…

I must have failed
I feel like a failure, ashamed of myself
ashamed of you both at times too
but only because I see how it could end

I warn you about danger
from yourself from others
predators in the world prey
dark & destroyed souls
seek nothing but instant gratification
self-righteous justification
anger is violence
no excuse is proffered up
& we are all culpable to some degree

5.
I am a strong woman
I feel very deeply the injustices
of others, of yours, of mine
I only have myself to chastise
& you, that part of me I protect
in my mind

I am harder on myself
my self is much harder to bear
I expect much more than vengeance
to ease our hurt awakening anger
we need love & kindness
I only want the best for you, for me

I am also very proud of you both
I see two beautiful, independent
headstrong women, myself
on a good day
I want you to be happy, exude warmth
I need you to love me, back
the way I loved you, back then
when we would all laugh & play
when we all had our innocence & joy
I want you both to come home

6.
I feel pain of the most heinous kind
happiness eludes me most days
searching, my self finds traces
of her, that little girl that became
lost in the ethereal space between
what was & what could have been
she separated parts of her self
doted & despised, both
in continual conflict

I have memories, denied versions of truth
I struggle to reconcile – I feel violated
I despise lies & deceit, power & control
I wrestle with such terrifying demons
who tempt me to trust & I am often
mistaken – I no longer believe it exists
on a bad day

7.
My fear became terror
when they both laughed
& came for me in my corner
I was held down while the soap stick
ripped through me
turning me inside & out
as I floated away
I was 4

My cat could have been shot
in front of me
he held up the gun, she held
the cat steady
“do you think the bullet will go
straight through?”
I was 5 or 6

My life could have been over
when I choked
but he said “she’s not my kid”
I pulled the sinewy gristle out
by myself spewing onto my plate
I was 6

He told me I was ugly
unwanted, unloved
I should never have been born
but I had a guardian
He told me “it’s meant to be this way,
it won’t be like this forever”
I was 6 or 7

My body knew pleasure before
it knew pain, before he touched me
& my spirit carried me
away to safety
I was 8

I watched him
his violence incarcerating those cows
chained, their backbones
smashed with a galvanized pipe
they had no where to go
I remember blood pouring from sores
like an avalanche
I was 8 or 9

My eyes saw the Sheep’s throat cut
with a blunt knife
he held our heads together
forcing us to watch, laughing
I was 10

I might have felt loved
if I wasn’t told it was the worst day
of my mother’s life when I was born
on my birthday
I was 13

His brother was a sneak
he came into my bedroom
he tried, I failed in his eyes
his brother’s too
though he was blind
I was 16

I trusted him
the Blue Mountains forever etched
into my brain
it was midnight
“if you don’t…I will leave you here
& they will find your body”
there was a cyclone in 1984
I was 16 then too

Death, like Charon is ever present
He resides beside & inside us
He will happily take us one way or another
if we let Him
I refuse to pay although I am tempted
He doesn’t give a shit at the end of the day
so don’t waste time entertaining him
or sway your hips to his tune

8.
My heart only ever loved one man
My Grandfather
I never knew my Father, not
until I was 17
& now I don’t want to know
because violence is not OK for you two
but I must have deserved it

I might be his daughter
but he only raised boys
he doesn’t know how much
daughters need their Fathers
you both need your Father
I needed my Father

I knew this, then & now
I never withheld them from you
I fought for them as much as for you
so that they understood
how to love, the girls who would become women
so you can recognise a gift
when you see it
& trust

9.

We all watch the slow erosion of her innocence, see her wrestle in defiance

like I saw you, like I saw myself
she is my light & she heals me
her gentle softness radiating like a Halo
I heal her, my nurture having been
honed because of you, thank you

11.
I love you both with all my heart

It is no coincidence Karma
your boys will teach you everything
else you need to know
perhaps the curse is broken?
It was always meant for you
to become
the beautiful mother that you are
please understand, your boys
need me as much as I need them

Leisa, whether you like it or not
you are an extension of my self
I feel very proud of you & of myself
pain is like fire, it burns
I prefer to view my fire as a controlled burn
as part of nature’s regeneration
it makes way for new growth,
stronger roots & solid ground
I need you
as much as you need me

© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Eulogy – For my Grandparents

image

When I think about my Grandparents, I am instantly drawn back to my childhood.

So many memories.  Drum kits under the bed, electric helicopters, the piano, so many green bottles on the wall! The boat they named after me – Jodine. The new Kent fire. Those two Retro chairs.  The Army hut in the back yard where I got up to mischief.  The original Hibiscus Coast Taxi – a beautiful white Chevrolet that was to become the symbol of family pride. Poisonous berries on the way to the front door…I thought about eating them sometimes just to see what would happen.

So many memories.  Being with my Grandparents saved my life.  I spent every chance I had with them and their energy.  My home away from home.  I played dress-ups, created pottery, made string kaleidoscopes, learned how to draw, listened to Johnny Cash and Demis Roussous and learned how to sing.  I learned how to be independent… and how to access the Red paint from under the house!

So many memories of driving up North to the Bach at Omamari Beach in the Great White Chev, always looking for the road markers along the way: Three Furlongs Tavern at Kaiwaka on the way to the Brynderwyns.  Playing Eye Spy and  “Are we there yet” all the way, completely winding them both up till we spied the Toka Toka hill (thinking it was some sort of magic mountain pacifier) . I remember learning to drive the Chev too but I preferred the yellow Beach buggy, taking it out every chance I got to speed along the beach by myself – bliss.

So many memories of wild west coast surf, Tussock grass, sunburn, cliffs, caves, rock pools, the Kai Iwi Lakes, Contiki’s, Kahawai, Toheroa’s, Tua Tua fritters and heading up to Bluff for fresh Green-lipped Mussels off the rocks. My world was full of good old-fashioned love.  My Grandparents taught me how to believe in myself too.  I now know what it means to follow my dreams and remain true to myself no matter what other people might say, think, speculate or fabricate.  To this day I still remain free-spirited.  I live a very full, open, creative, exotic and vibrant life.  I will not be told to shut up.  I will not be put in my ‘so-called’ place.  My voice will no longer be silenced.

My Grandparents were my whole world back then and now that Nana is with Grandpop, I can once again see them sitting side by side, their bones warmed by the fire, looking out onto the world they helped create – for me, for us.  My Grandparents will always be my happy place.  I even have a fond memory of Nana’s tea that was more like soup with cheese and pickled onion sandwiches.  My Grandparents were my first love.  Nothing or no one can take these memories away from me.  I was there for it all and I thank them both for loving me.

© Copyright 2013, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Tiki Torches and the Odd Random Star

Tiki Torch in the Darkness

Summer nights
bbq’s & wine
friends & lovers
reflected in the flame

tiki torches;
wafts of citronella
drift up toward invisible clouds

random stars
make the night seem closer
no moonlight
just a gentle breeze
that cools my crimson skin

there is peace in the silence;
an afterglow,
yuletide’s sit in succulent ceramics
on the back steps

tonight I am content
tomorrow I am restless

here, I can take time

© Copyright 2011, Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Everything Something Nothing

no surprises

Whatever!

this easy life
wasn’t meant to be
this hard

love is nothing
when we both walked out
& said goodbye
to everything

enough is enough;
I’m tired
& worn out

no more heart ache
no more little white lies
no more heart break
bro – ken
promises 

resignation is resentment
gone underground
where holding on
to more of the same old
means never seeing the light

never moving on to something
stuck in the past
where everything was clear
understanding what was in my face

if you were happy
I didn’t know
too many bad times
confused with sad times
good times were always somewhere else
with someone else
& everyone says
“whats the point –
life’s way too short”

*

wind pipes
more vocal than the air we breathe
sigh
in heavy heaves
& waves
wash over me

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

She Sells Sanctuary

image

Photographer/stylist: Ra Kai

It’s quiet outside.

her ears adjust, vicariously
searching out cracks/
a radar mind

finding edges where paths
begin & end
& life circles.

inside her four walls
escape & sigh breath
carbon dated memory

each time reflected upon
once/ a crudely stirred softly shaken sonic echo

a lawnmower cuts
more than
the grass/

in between two or more spaces
she chooses
to wipe away the years

sealed red letters/
sifted thoughts more like
ocean liners

her past full
of Pomegranate blossom
seed

she sells her sanctuary
in blocks/
cubed quarters

organised delivery
ensures a safe return
of a very sure thing?

but not now
there is nothing left to steal.
she sells her sanctuary

from her living room
& chooses life
letting go

/

his miniature shoulders
resemble an old man
Led Zeppelin

his sticks are bundled/
all he can see
is the highway

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Two-tailed Tawse

Your wish is my command:

I will grip
my two-tailed tawse
within an inch of my gloved appendage

& your exposed up-turned posterior

& I will
control
/
suspend
\
switch
/
strap
\
bitch
/
slap
\
you into submission
& you will obey

my iron clad mind
will thrash you within
your wildest dreams whetting
only my appetite for your pleasure

& pain

those looks will not go unpunished
you want me to break down your defences?
I will break down your defences

you will not look me in the eyes
you will not touch any part of me
you will not soil in my presence

you will obey my every command

& you will cry like a baby
& beg for my forgiveness when you fail

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Dibb

image

when I was born
I was an orphan.

illegitimate problem child
doted & despised

promises were made
& broken

carpets were pulled
knives were drawn

ashes & best wishes
dead & buried

I don’t belong to him or her
or them,

they
look
down
their
noses

& their favourite lie
is snivelling

Dibb

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Monogamy is a Death Trap

My love
is in a constant state of flux:

she is a free spirit
as naked as she is coy

& shy beyond reason
her senses betray her

ever-widening polygamous circle
of ‘friends with benefits’

today, I languish in the arms of those
who, in the privacy of their shared

experience/existence
profess to asexual tendencies

off & on

a pair of comfortable shoes
is the next best thing

to the proverbial
wet patch

she cloaks herself
in makeshift aroma & powdered illusions

power & control
wanting & needing

pushing & pulling
to feel simply unencumbered

monogamy is a death trap
says the muse

my love is everywhere
I want it to be

 

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

I Can’t Wait

I can’t wait

to get you
where I want
you to be:
on your back
with your hands
tied & your
legs spread
eagle,
blindfolded
so I can look
at you with
reckless
abandon
& you can’t
do a damn thing
about it

I will take
what is mine

& have my way
& fuck you
till I am
spent
& you are
left wondering
what day
of the week it is
& whether or not
the wet patch
is on your side
of the bed
or mine

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Creativity Creeps

Creativity creeps
under my skin
in an almost
random fashion
except for those
side steps
opening up doors
into nooks & crannies
filled with
Magenta &
Pthalo Blue

Gesso plastered
canvas tarps
fill in my gaps
so nothing that
isn’t meant to
be there
can infiltrate
or seep
or overflow
its boundaries

I determine
every brush
& stroke
& all deliberate acts
twist into
congealed
afterthoughts

It’s like watching
words escape
from silent mouths
in silent Black
& White movies:
each shade
of imaginary sound
is transformed
into translucent
Reds & Yellows

A diadem of jewels
to gush over
& revel in
its magnificence
with every
new idea

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Ode to Cigarette Withdrawal

Image

Anticipation builds
an iron lung

the sweet desire
for oral pleasure
still lingers
on my
lips

/

one last
taste
lick
fix

she slips
into something
warm & inviting

& I watch him
slowly undress
before raising his shaft

can I have one?
her voice
pleading desperado

he assumes the position
& I am sucked right in

he gestures
she folds, rolls
& sets her fire to smoulder

her submission
concluded
his mission
accomplished

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Garish Green Skirt


imprinted eyes

in the back of my legs,

ankle to thigh

scarred

like staples in a seam

>

a permanent stocking

a cheap whore in a supermarket

>

a doorway leads to a red dress

hanging polka dots

too small, so I

s t r e t c h

into chaos

beautiful & ugly

>

a garish green skirt

frumps from my fruit

>

bare breasts too full

walk into a dream –

she sits in front of the mirror

blank _________

>

I sneak a glance

at my reflection;

I am topless, fat & ugly

>

where am I?

where is my baby?


© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Sewer Rats & Wood Snakes

Shove it all down
shove it down
shove it
all

all – is not well 
in the OK corral.

transactions are flawed
analysis is weak
subterfuge cowers in corners
colluding behind cardboard walls 
in the safety zone

I get my back up
I want to be defiant
I want more than ever 
to say NO
just to piss you off!

Give me one good reason to feel
alienated, subjugated
discounted

reduced
to your
pa-
the-
tic

whimper

I want to scream
& jab
& smash
& rip the optic nerves
right out of your filtered
monochrome 1950’s
TV screen
head

stretch them into sinewy strings
that snap\
back/
like  rubber bands\
& slap/
you\
in the face/

Look at me
Look at me

Look at you –
weak knee’d
lily livered
coward of a man
hiding behind my emotions

wily wood snake

sizing up rats &
other small
rodents

watching

waiting

manipulating

/

that damn sewer
rat never
had a
chance.

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Citrus Juice

Today,
my Pipi
completely demolished
her ball

it split
right down the mid-dle

& her tail
wagged

she set about
mesmerised;
the final task
yet to be savoured

her fine front teeth
nipping
& pulling
the strands of
fluff
to a string

/

paws
& awkward dexterity
placed

\

if only
she had
a thumb
to peel
& fingers
to pry
& lick

citrus juice

© Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved