I don’t recognise myself anymore
that fool
that blind stupid fool
whose face lit up and smiled
like Cheshire – following you everywhere
once
/
she saw the sun shine
out of your arse like a fractured halo and dared to love you
it’s gone
and all she can think about
is how to sign off
how to extricate herself
from humiliation; still
that cacophony of cackling voices
the concept of love is as corrupt and meaningless as the world in which we live
/
its not for me
I want out
I don’t want to look
for anything to look
forward to or to be reborn
only to have love fail –
rubbed in my face like spent semen
again and again
spoiled
how can love co-exist anymore than Buddha, Allah, Jesus or Mary?
/
love is blind
and refusal often offends
I want oblivion, finality
one painful life is enough for me
I swallow my insecurities
like my black and white thinking
allowing acid to corrode me from within
turning me upside down
inside out
/
I think about death and dying
like that single stone
that skipped a few beats
before it sank
out of sight
never to be thought of again
there is absolutely nowhere left to go
and I am like a shell of what I once was a hollow husk of withered cells
dying my slow and agonizing death
angry for being so magnificently vulnerable in contemptible
self loathing
and to think that there are those among us who want to live!
I should feel blessed – accept
except everything feels so jaded
burned and extinguished
life just isn’t worth living
sometimes
but I do
I struggle to see the light
shining on me when I am in pain
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
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Poetry Out West 