I’m craving you, today.
All those beautiful things about you
that glittered like gold; your face,
a ray of fucking sunshine
portending our future
happiness, growing old together.
I crave to see your smile, fall
about the place laughing.
I look back through photographs,
those ones on the balcony
encapsulating you against a green backdrop
when we were ecstatic, tripping
over our good fortune pleasured to meet,
makes me weep now.
I loved you so much it’s unbearable
witnessing our demise.
I chastise my foolishness,
choosing to believe in love – you,
I would do anything to turn back time,
start over knowing what we know now,
hold on to that part of us
that was true, before
reality ripped me a new one
and I belly flopped into despair.
My eyes search for you everywhere,
in my rearview
to steal a glance, catch a glimpse
to see if you remember me, re-ignite
one final psychic spark
awakening those butterflies.
I don’t want the dawn to sing to me.
I long to dream rainbows and fairy floss
instead of axe handles / switch blades
cutting off my head,
dismembering my brain stem
from my heartbeat for you.
Some days I look for ways I can feel,
my fingers frantic
without prying ears interfering
and I ride you into rhythm; doublets
triplets and fours
before I stare transfixed
into the silent night – did you feel anything?
I don’t like this, nastiness unbecoming
it’s not how I want to remember you
but it’s all you’ve ever known.
It’s not too late to salvage respect
putting it all down to folly, our hurt
doesn’t need to scar, on par
with adolescent angst.
I love all those who have gone before
each finding that special place
lodged in the spaces between
the good, the bad and the ugly.
Forgive me, for I will in time; make
it all worthwhile.
I want you to be happy,
successful and content.
Please don’t fall back into line,
choosing thugs for pittance —
you’re worth more than pseudo security
it’s all bullshit, that old way.
You are made for enlightenment
not eternal darkness.
I still love you the way I remember you,
I just don’t believe in the Devil.
© Copyright 2016, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved