She brings joy in little effervescent bubbles of fizz.
Tickling our hearts.
We fall about the place; laughter spontaneously combusts into a heap on the floor.
Heaven’s above!
Our stomach crunches burn. Her light beams ear to ear. Spreading over a meadow of wild flowers.
Do you think she knows?
We know. Her happy heart runs and jumps. Arms wide open. A glory to behold.
Pure love.
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
RE BLOGGED by Bellever
It’s back
I’m shaking like a leaf
More trauma
It’s a normal natural response
So I’m told
Under these circumstances
I see very clearly
We have different strengths
But strengths we do have in abundance
Meeting in the middle
The two of us working together
Dialogue & adult discussion
Trauma is everywhere
Leaching into every cell
All of us – imploding stars
*
She is such an Angel
Beautiful in all her innocent glory
Loving & gentle
I rock her in my arms
I pat her back in rhythm
She relaxes, falling asleep
She is loved by all of us
To our core, that weeps
In our hearts, that bleed
I pray, pleading for guidance
My faith is in your hands
I am your servant
Love is love
There is no in-between
Just understanding & surrender
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
I’m going slightly insane
Oh, to be deaf, dumb, blind & mute!
turning that blind eye, having nothing
more to do with it – all
No shoes on her feet
her hair a mess
the first thing she says is,
“Are you a mean stepmother or a nice stepmother?”
cuddling me, she tells me I’m nice before I can answer, awed
saddened & proud
all at once
I’m so afraid for our little girl
afraid to bear witness; joy, pain, confusion, innocence
I do my best, continuing to be consistent,
loving, nurturing & hiding
my own pain to shelter her
I need time out
not from our littlest princess, never
from that bright spark that lights up my world, my own fear worse for wear
knowing truth; being called a liar
cruelty appears nonchalant & we all know
ignorance breeds ignorance
I rise
above this time & detach
from that confined space lodging
deep in my brain & heart, threatening
to expose my GI Jane
She thrashes inside her prison cell,
the bars of my prison bend
but do not break, I give thanks
to God & Godesses & the Furies,
my Crone; for temperance
my aenima inanimate for the moment
,●
I hear her laugh,
that contagious giggle
putting a smile on my face
all I need is patience; I can wait
Karma has not yet spoken, giving
cold comfort will come at a cost – all
I can do is love
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
I feel shattered
fragmented
my self dispersed
willy nilly
this way & that; sparks
on a funeral pyre
*
Isolated in a new country I proudly call my home, desperate for unconditional love and understanding. I am estranged from family who need no explanation least of all from me. We are grieving the loss of our precious little girl. The softest most gentlest child who has ever graced my presence. That’s the worst thing to comprehend. How could it all go so wrong?
Self pity and blame/shame become a toxic breeding ground for self-doubt. Feeling victimized beyond where my psyche can find peace, I am being eroded from within. Still, those wicked thoughts work their way into my cracks, ever-widening, poisoning me from the inside out. I have a parasitic demon spreading its hideous tentacles into every mistake I have ever made reminding me of my foolish flaws. My lifesong is no more heard than those women in history; burned at the stake.
I thank God I was not born in that cruel Medieval era, although I recognise similarities in unjust sentences and we all know no one has a leg to stand on in times of prejudice. I see common sense, at the last-minute at least. Those women were tenacious, brave beyond measure and while the odds are gathering sticks stacking my pyre, my heart is with her and them, my love knows no bounds.
I make the calls, I speak my truth. It is all I can do to retain my dignity. My integrity is not in question, it has never been. I know right from wrong. There is something insidious here at work, attempting to thwart justice by all devious means imaginable. It cannot last forever. She threatens me and us but though the system of things is corrupt, I am not.
Every day people are being dis – membered, crucified in the coldest places on earth. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but she has brought us here to witness our incarceration and suffering, inflicting us with that cold, soulless stare. Her lust barely disguising her thirst for that elusive elixir of life.
I am human. I suffer like everyone else. My reserves are low and my inner flame is almost extinguished – doused by lies and deceit of the most heinous kind. I pray everyday for divine intervention. More than ever to Mary, to God, Goddesses, to the Crones, to whoever will listen. Those who weave their ancient threads on the great wheel of life, deciding our destinies.
By descending into hell, this time I know with certainty that wheel will rise again and I will find myself ascending, transcending all that was before. My faith wrapping my warm, safe, loving arms around her and us. I believe we are in the right place at the right time but the reasons for it are as yet unknown. I face this wrath. I take full responsibility for whatever I have failed to see and I will mourn.
My needs are the least important right now. Longer lives are at stake here. I am reminded of the Inquisition where women and poor innocent children were burned for nothing more than uttering truth in a world full of unscrupulous doings. My littlest princess is growing up way too fast. Her world separate from her self.
My focus is on one innocent child who is but a pawn in this farce. It is she who I admire, her resilience and the knowing that one day soon she will be reunited with love and have the best that love can offer her to heal. It won’t be too late, for love can work miracles for the most cruel of experiences. I have witnessed first hand how God will intervene having carried me in his stead before. Children are born resilient. They have inbuilt protection and I trust that she will be OK.
God is love and he does not desert his flock.
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
my foetal body holds
nervous balls of Fear
tying themselves into knots
that make my stomach retch –
remembering a time before
my world collided everything
became fission; an existential
explosion of pieces of me
scattered
for a moment I lost my self
●
loving more
than my desire knows
escaping those merciless depths
drowning me
that miasma of Fear rose
letting go tears
what was once mine
forever stolen
its hard to breathe
here & now my Fear rising
its ugly head penetrating
only a fraction / friction culminating
in pitiful attempts to mollify
comparing my voice to yours
once more scolded, Fear
beyond measure
gulps for air
winded
wishing for all it’s worth
for more – more than life itself
to find peace & love
to seek out that softest place
our Eden here on earth
my beautiful self in your arms
our fruit ripening my garden
she remembers
being pulled this way – that
curtain calls still fall – still
I managed to climb
that long steep drive
her body of evidence
a sixth psychic sense
she is alone Daddy
14,000 years in advance
mister black burns
& black backs down
magic raises her up, my Crone
fragrance budding
watching her blossom
where she will become
●
Trials & tribulations
wax & wane
Karma will knock you off your feet
no stone will be left unturned
you will have no choice but to cut
off your nose to spite your face
I foresee Death
Charon jigging a jig
my wicked sense of humour
rejoicing
rotting in Hell for all eternity
© Copyright 2015, Jodine Derena Butler. All Rights Reserved
Poetry Out West 