All those times you wanted a home for the family and when I bought one, you didn’t like it and I felt disappointed.
All those times you stalked me around the house and picked the locks, and I was afraid.
All those times you cornered me, hurling foul put downs, till I stuffed my fingers in my ears to protect myself.
All those times you told me I was loopy, a slut, a whore – a loopy slut whore and I was hurt.
All those times you kicked open the door to pin me to the bed in a fit of rage, and I was struck dumb.
All those times you pressured me to buy an investment property instead of renovating the house because you were plotting way back then and I felt betrayed.
All those times you moved out, damaging property as you went. It hurt your youngest more than me, when you painted over her beautiful mural and I felt sad.
All those times you misled me, hiding behind your Samsung, and your daughter for cover, conjuring plans to deceive and I was manipulated.
All those times you spoke ill of me in front of others, your son and my friends – your friends and family and I felt ashamed.
All those times you hid your cash, pleading poverty and gutted the business and I trusted you.
All those times you forbade me to enter our shop, and denied you wanted it for yourself and your daughter and I was controlled.
All those times you refused to finish my tattoo’s, claiming you were too busy but not too busy for your daughters’ and I was left with rubbish.
All those times you said you would draw me a portrait (like yours) and have it tattooed, but you didn’t have enough money even though I gave it to you.
All those times you wanted me to go back to work, promising me you could handle it, but you couldn’t and it was my fault.
All those times you withdrew your sex, claiming you could go without and I felt unwanted.
All those times you accused me of fucking the neighbour, tradies, my boss, anyone and got upset because I sat too close to my ex and I withdrew.
All those times you threatened to expose my client, and pounded on the apartment door and I was embarrassed.
All those times you judged my friends, for no apparent reason and said they were damaged and I felt damaged.
All those times I warned you not to stop taking your medication suddenly, but you did and became abusive and you told your daughter but I was deceived.
All those times you resented my money, but took it anyway promising to pay it all back but you had other plans.
All those times you said you would do anything for me, then complain you were my slave and I felt trapped.
All those times you maligned your ex, your ex wife, your family and those who had crossed you, detailing your revenge and I felt scared.
All those times you lied, gas lighting me to my face and Police, to make me doubt myself and instill madness and I became anxious.
All those times you said you adored me, meaning as long as I shut my mouth and did as you expected and I went quiet.
All those times you said you could never hurt me like your ex’s, because you loved me, giving me a false sense of security and I became depressed.
All those times you stole our customers and redirected them to your personal email, yet I was silly for imagining it and I felt set up.
All those times you put your personal email on our business pages, but it must have been me and I felt confused.
All those times you damaged my property and denied it and allowed your daughter to do it too and I felt ganged up on.
All those times you instructed your daughter to remove texts, business files and photographs from my phone and laptop, stating you knew nothing about it, and I felt tricked.
All those times you refused to allow me to give a gift voucher to my friends and family, but you said family is always free and I felt nothing.
All those times you withdrew your youngest daughter from me, assigning the mother role to your teenage daughter, leaving me outcast.
All those times you washed your car, thrice, but wouldn’t wash mine and I felt insignificant.
All those times you expected me to cook, but said you loved cooking your special diet anyway but I felt guilty.
All those times you failed to communicate in texts for fear of litigation, so we agreed to delete them frequently so they couldn’t be used, but you secretly kept them and I was blind.
All those times you said you wanted nothing to do with bikies, their associates or the security crew but you were in cahoots with them the whole time and I felt threatened.
All those times you told me it only cost $5000 to get rid of someone and I asked you to stop talking like that, but you didn’t and I felt intimidated.
All those times and more happened but you have your own reasons for behaving this way.
After all, you were angry.
© Copyright 2016, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved