Companionship
True companionship
Comes from creating what you want
Creating the environment
Letting each other go
To see if we keep coming back
Home to freedom
Home to peace
Home to love
Home to our selves
Away into chaos
A way into the darkness
To find the light
The joy
The unknown
And live a fulfilling life.
So Tied Up – Cold War Kids & Bishop Briggs
© Copyright 2021, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
You don’t get to my age
Without learning a thing or two
I’ve learned to trust no one
But myself
I’m not about to risk everything
On blind faith, alone.
You think you’ve been burned?
You’re not the only one.
Do you think I haven’t been there?
Because I have, and it didn’t end well.
You think your trust is broken?
You have no idea about my life.
I’m not about to risk it all, again
When your cards are not on the table.
I am an aging woman, in a man’s world
Willing to show you who I am
To a point. The rest is up to you.
I am a partner, not a trophy
An equal, not a mistress
Older, wise, psycic and astute.
I am here now because I trusted
More than once, twice too many.
Don’t you dare tell me I have broken your trust!
When I’m the only one who is here for you.
I am still here, waiting for you
To stop cutting off your nose
Yet you expect me to trust you
Your word, your honour, your faith?
That only goes so far
Actions speak much louder than words ever will.
You have no idea how much I gave
Am willing to give, how much I have
To bring to your table —
Treat you like the King you are
But I don’t have first world choices
And I don’t want third world realities
Everything I do, is to survive
Calculating risks, hedging my bets
I don’t have to be dishonourable to do it.
I can see well enough when I look.
What I saw, was not what I wanted to see.
You, your tells betrayed you.
Nothing more, nothing less.
You are not willing or able to see me
Yet, but you will.
The best five months of your life
Is compared to borderline personalities from your past
And those voices set you up to fail.
Still, you choose to see only what you expect to see in me.
I am not here to play games.
I chose to be with you because it felt good
But you are uncomfortable with good.
You don’t know yourself as well as you think.
You are not me.
I am holistically unique and
Cruelty is not my style.
I don’t kick the dog when he’s down,
I take responsibility for my part
You will not humble yourself enough to bare.
I have not abandoned you
You pushed me away, again.
I see you for what you are
Right here, right now a mirror.
I can roll with you quite content
But I keep her on a leash
(You know exactly what I’m talking about)
Till I sense something isn’t true.
The difference is I feel,
I express and I talk to you about it.
I asked you to meet my darkness,
You left me.
I process my thoughts and feelings raw,
I know no other way
To show you what I’m willing to risk
Of myself for you.
You lie, because you think it protects me,
I call it as I see it.
I saw.
You will never know who I am
Until you see yourself through my eyes and feel.
If you actually love me
You’d show it when shit gets real
By being kinder, softer
Compassionate and loving.
I don’t need your help
to take out the rubbish.
You discarded me
Because I called bullshit.
Does that mean I was right?
Prove me wrong.
© Copyright 2021, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
Isolation
Lonliness
Altruistic tendencies.
A real man looks after his woman.
Builds up hope
Says all the right things
Means what he says
Does what he means.
Love.
Means nothing if it’s bullshit.
Is he going to break me?
Is he breaking me?
Old habits?
Does he want me to leave?
Could I leave?
Would I keep coming back?
Hurting me
Being hurt
Loving you
Being loved.
What is magic?
Where do I belong?
Destiny.
Who is there for me?
Who is there for you?
How long do I wait for what exactly –
Love, security, money, both?
Hibernation.
Am I discarded?
Be like water.
Do I belong here yet?
A limbo suffragette.
A caregiver.
Am I just a caregiver?
He doesn’t want me for that.
What does he want me for?
Companionship.
Am I expected to be faithful?
Am I enough?
Convenience
A means to an end?
I’m not sure what he wants.
Friendship.
Am I on the market?
I’m not sure I’m available.
Marriage.
Will I accept the contract?
Do I really belong here?
I want a partner.
He needs a wife
Wants a legacy.
More children?
Hanging by a thread
Dangling on a ledge.
Friend, enemy, lover, acquaintance.
Loving.
Leaving?
Family, security
Money, happiness
Asking for nothing
Expecting something.
Dignity.
Respect.
Honour.
Am I worthy?
Is he worth it?
Will he build me up?
Bring me down?
Take me on?
Walk away?
Why does he want me?
What did he get?
What am I taking?
What did I get?
What is he taking?
Just roll with it.
Wait for nothing.
Be grateful for everything.
The Devils’ going to make me rich.
I don’t have to worry.
We’re all in it for something.
Yet you offer me everything & nothing.
I just want to love and be loved.
© Copyright 2021, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
The best thing
since sliced bread
this partnership / relationship.
Two whole slabs of
canna-buttered magic,
set the scene for
an esoteric mind fuck that
wrecks our bed,
churns what the water gave us
into fountains of esctasy.
You’ve ruined me.
Turned my counterparts
into full beam,
full steam ahead
where I don’t want to hide. Hiccups
where opposing forces
try to fuck with our chi,
set us back a step or two
but we bounce, roll & resolve. Easy
to give up — walk away,
put grandiose expectations down
to paranoid delusions of grandeur.
Our past lives set us up
to fail, prove that point
we once knew without a shadow.
Done with kowtow!
Fire; vibrating nuclear fission
fuels my frequency, propels
inertia from the fulcrum,
devouring adversity like a black hole
creates nothing out of something.
I make peace my lover, pray
to my Godhead & surrender
my self to you & only you.
My happy bubble
blessed by a big God
blessed by a bigger Goddess,
stirring up a pagan concoction
that’s good enough for royalty.
Good enough, is good enough!
You are my equal.
I will fight to the death
to hold on to you, knowing
I need to let go
ride the lightening
set the Phoenix alight into freedom
before the day is done.
You’re big, blue & beautiful
my whole world right here, now
centred in my universe
Florence & the Machine
creating an atmosphere for us
to breathe.
© Copyright 2020, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
Wide open, heart splayed fish knife style
Psyche, screaming white light laser beams; shoots
all remnants of Eros back into the ether
from that gaping hole he left behind, where he once belonged.
Back into the darkness.
Back into the arms of Hades.
Charon mimicking that elusive eternal light with his sway,
caressing Eros once again.
Psyche, abandoned
sinks like a torpedoed battleship straight to the bottom — much to Aphrodite’s delight.
Zeus, doing us all a favour by staying away this time,
crash lands lightening bolts a million miles from now.
One can only imagine the carnage.
Respect is earned.
It costs nothing to behave with honour.
Psyche deserves much more than angry lip service.
Love is not a fucking game!
© Copyright 2020, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
I don’t want to go to Church;
Have to kneel for a scrap of bread,
Have to beg for forgiveness,
Have to swallow an empty vessel for a measly sip of port wine.
All of it, on my divine time —
For a bullet with my name on it.
I don’t want to be told what to do;
When I am deemed worthy enough for you.
Where I can live, when you decide
Who I can be with, if it suits them.
What I can wear, to show off my hour-glass figure & classic class.
How I earn my pittance pay & not be dependent on you for anything —
That doesn’t meet with family approval.
I don’t want to live this way;
Waiting for a skin & bitch bone
Salivating over moldy morsels
Wagging my mangy tail,
Waiting for that prayer of approval.
I am of Mary Magdalene.
The Patron Saint of Prostitutes
The red right hand of Jesus —
His only true partner in crime.
I am a Goddess in my own right
& I deserve to be equal, besides
I don’t take kindly to being manipulated by Romans or Benedictine
Monks, attempting to make meals on wheels look A La Carte.
Men who would starve a loved one, & feed a stranger, if it meant they were a step closer to the light.
Attonement casts an evil shadow —
Double standards rape & pillage your family values & family members drop like flies amongst the lies.
/
Heart’s bleed out through cathedrals & stained glass window’s, while you profess your love in gypsy spades.
You piss all over me like a stinking leper!
You, who would decide if I live or die!
Let those who cast the first stone wallow in self pity because I turn my back.
I walk away from you & yours, my bright future fading into despair like the grandiose mirage that it was.
All of it, on your terms.
You would discard me in a heartbeat.
Your entitlement precedes your entourage of everything & nothing,
Where you would set limits on love to the detriment of your own broken heart.
So be it!
These are all moot points in the grand master plan anyway.
The great scheme of things to come, comes at a much greater cost & one I can live without.
© Copyright 2020, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
In the depths
Of my despair, flawed
Imperfections serve only to pander to Delilah.
She is much too fast for freedom, too slow to let go.
She could never bring her self to Samson half arsed.
Her darkness tempers his desire
Cool, waters his deflated ego
And she, too far away from home
Floats like a lotus.
© Copyright 2020, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
I’m not that kind of girl.
I am that kind of girl.
I can separate work and love.
I can’t separate work and love.
I know what I want.
I don’t know what I want.
Laughter and light.
Sadness and dark.
I don’t like one night stands.
I could like one night stands.
My heart is not for sale.
My heart is open for business.
I’m not a fuck buddy.
I could be a fuck buddy.
I am so much more.
I am all there is.
I want to be number one.
I don’t want to mean that much.
So I can learn to trust.
So I will never learn.
I don’t want to be second best.
I want to be what you want me to be.
I am worthy of love.
I am unworthy of love.
I want to be desired.
I don’t want to be desired.
I am a loving woman.
I am incapable of love.
I’m not an after-hours opportunity.
I am open all hours.
My time is precious.
My time is wasted.
I want to feel like I belong.
I don’t want to be here.
Not at someone’s beck and call.
On someone’s speed dial.
I’m not available for players.
I am available for everyone.
I have integrity.
I am immoral.
I want a partnership.
I don’t want a relationship.
Equality and compromise.
Selfishness and control.
I don’t want to feel alone.
I feel alone.
With or without.
Without or with.
I want to be independent.
I am co-dependent.
Choose my own lane.
Follow the leader.
I don’t want to settle.
I settle for much less.
When I deserve the best.
I don’t deserve any better.
I want to feel secure.
I feel trapped.
Relax and unwind.
Wound up like a spring.
I’m not someone’s distraction.
I am someone’s excuse.
Present not present.
Affect not effect.
I want to be happy.
I don’t want to feel good.
Spontaneously combust.
Slowly decay.
I don’t want to cry.
I want to smile.
No more tears for fears.
Lots of laughs and hope.
I want to be loved.
I am unloveable.
Expand my horizon.
Stay locked away.
I don’t want to be used.
I am a user.
I want a place to call ours.
I like my own space.
I can’t change who I am.
I could change if I wanted to.
I want it all.
I don’t want anything.
I am the kind of girl you take home.
I’m not the kind of girl you take home.
© Copyright 2020, Poetry Out West, Jodine Derena Butler. All rights reserved
She fell for him.
She learned to feel ashamed.
Feelings; the dirty word for love, left her sitting in the dark on my balcony, stubbed out like a cigarette butt.
He had to go.
He learned to feel afraid.
Feelings; the Venus Flytrap of love, left him closing the door to my apartment, shut down like a stubborn ass mule.
Still.
Denial stole like a thief.
Feelings; think it would be easier to maintain a smile, but neither of them like bullshit or manipulation or lies.
Talking,
as you do when time permits
an exchange
of energy, pleasantries & psychic projections,
bouncing
between words, a soul searching
communiquè of sight & sound,
swirling intonations gauging
our airs & grace’s,
our ever-present mindful interludes
pausing between us
for breaths, eyeballing the silences
of our head & heart,
where we come together
& connect
sifting through all the bullshit,
of where we’ve been
who we are & when we first met,
picking
up the threads of where we left off
before we hug & wave goodbye again,
till next time.
© Copyright 2019, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Jamie Fraser.
The highlander of my wet dreams &
the epitome of Scottish manhood – the rise
of the Jacobite & the battle of Colloden,
ending it all.
/
That fiery red head fuels my desire, transporting me to Lallybroch.
I am the Lady Broch Tuarach arching her thawed back,
purring like a cat; her cream licked to perfection.
Jealous.
Her secret coveted, breathing pure unadulterated sex.
I stretch back and close my eyes, snatch
images of her glory box at the foot of my bed
replaying soundbytes,
over
and over,
running my fingers through locks,
strumming a frantic tune,
finding their way through crevices & folds; my highland landscape.
Such pleasure!
Tartan wool & kilt,
an 18th century romp & a battle for the heart.
/
But as always, English tyranny is never far from the scene.
Too many #Metoo moments and brutality stops everything in its tracks.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
I love you.
I love that you’re mine.
I love the way you light up a room with your presence and my heart.
I love the way you joyously cook for me and our friends; laughter combusting into spontaneous abundance.
I love the way you laugh and giggle and play the fool, running around the room screaming like a freaking fruit, with Snoop.
I love that you do your best with everything and everyone, everytime.
I love that your heart only wants to do good and focus on the future.
I love how you think positively about all of our obstacles and we work together to solve them.
I love your resilience and strength of character, even when times get tough – you find a way.
I love the way your face lights up when you plan a party, design a flyer and work the promo.
I love the way you DJ – making me and everybody dance, with huge smiles on our dials.
I love to see you in your costumes and watch you come alive.
I love seeing the happiness on your face when you achieve the almost impossible, frequently.
I love watching your facial expressions and that passionate rocking and rolling you do on your chair, punching your hands in the air, to your favourite songs.
I love the way you make me feel, holding my hand and casually putting your arm around me, no matter where we are.
I love how you give me a wake-me-up-call most mornings, and I feel your desire pressing against me.
I love the way you slip, and fall between my legs with that naughty, cheeky giggle.
I love the way you whisper in my ear and tell me I’m sexy and beautiful and how much you want me.
I love it when you kiss me for no reason.
I love your sexy swagger and smouldering eyes.
I love the way you make me Chai in the mornings, and/or a cigarette and we slowly wake up together.
I love watching you shine.
*
On any given day, you give yourself to me in all your authenticity, with love.
You are the most awesome, amazing, talented, sexy, loveable man I have ever had the pleasure to meet and call mine.
I dont know how long I’ve got you for, but the romantic in me hope’s you put a hippie ring on it and we mooch on into the future, forever.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
“I think we’ve been put through the emotional wringer and there are only fraying threads left of the tapestry we once sewed together” JD Butler
Just like me to need a pacifier when the going gets tough but
it’s not all about me.
You’ve changed – maybe we’ve both changed, but not for the better. You used to care if I cried but
not any more.
I guess you’re strung out, over-worked, under-paid, under-sexed and looking for a way out in your Red Dead Redemption II,
outback adventure.
Maybe you also feel trapped? What if I left, left the house for you to rent? I can go anywhere to live
and start again.
Sydney, Melbourne, Perth perhaps. 6 months here, 6 months there (in New Zealand). Reinventing myself
is what I’m good at.
Jezabel is never too far away for me to find a way to survive. She never leaves me or changes. I can count on her
to do the right thing.
I’ll miss you. Everything about you. How wonderfully beautiful you are with your deep dark brown eyes. You are talented, loving and rich beyond anything resembling money.
I consider
myself blessed.
It’s time I moved on. I’ve reached a point where I don’t think we can offer each other the best part of ourselves any more. I think I hold you back from your true potential.
I think you resent not seeing your friends as often as you would like – cultivate those
friendships and opportunities.
I think you would feel better with money in your own pocket. I want to see you happier, less frustrated,
less aloof and less distracted.
When I met you, you were larger than life, full of happiness, generosity, love. You were loyal to me.
I think we’ve been put through the emotional wringer and there are only fraying threads left of the tapestry
we once sewed together.
I’m distressed. I’m trying to preserve the last of my sanity in order, to survive.
I’m concerned. I want to give you as much as I can for you to feel secure. You’ve worked hard and
I have no intention of ruining you.
I’m not like my ex because I love you – he never did.
I don’t want to see you cry, or curl up and die inside,
but I still choose
to run again this time.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Photo by JD Butler
1.
Your love for me has already gone
& you don’t even know it.
I lie awake, tensing & untensing, reminding myself to breathe.
Numb.
I don’t remember what it feels like to be loved, lying next to you, rubbing your shoulders, listening to your faux sleep or nightmarish fits & starts.
I only ask you dont take my friends with you.
What little I have left that teeters on that ledge where I start again & you leave off.
Do you know what colour my eyes are? Know their depths & greys?
Do you know what keeps you close & yet so far away?
I don’t understand.
You give me so little to hold on to, I feel invisable but you seem to think the world owes you a favour & you’re mine.
I cease to exist.
I refuse to live.
I’ll take the scraps like a good little bitch – watch & wait for the next tasty morsel to fall onto the floor.
If this is what you need, I have no choice but to accept.
Throw me a bone every once in a while, when you remember not to forget.
2.
I’m being selfish.
You love me with all your heart. You’re working your skinny white arse off for me, for us & I’ve got you all wrong.
You can see into the future that promises money, hotel rooms, boats, fine wine & women but didn’t you already piss that up against the wall?
I’m jaded.
Am I really what you want, tucked away in the back of suburbia, barefoot, looking like a dyke in my short-shorts & singlet?
Age wearing me down where I just want peace.
I dont want to dance or drink or muck around with you knowing there’s nothing in it for me.
Oh but there is?
Did it only just dawn on you that what’s mine is mine & you either choose to accept this mission or it will self destruct in 5, 4, 3…
What have you got to worry about anyway? You can make money, friends, music anywhere.
Well I’m 50, a woman, unemployed, questionably sane & dubiously employable & up to my eyeballs in debt.
My options are limited & guess what – you’re it!
You don’t believe in marriage & I concur. You believe in hard work in love but no cigar?
Why do it all at all if you get nothing out of it?
Why are you here complaining?
What the fuck do you want from me, if this is not a game?
3.
I’m not sure I know exactly what I’m in for.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Phil by Fuzion Photography, Cairns 2017
“An admiration she wouldn’t normally entertain… if he were only a passing stranger”. JD Butler
Lady Jane is in love
with Ashcat.
His strong silhouette slipping in and out of her
periphery, and her
ebony arches rise.
Ashcat, oblivious to her wicked wanton imagination, carries on his distraction,
impervious.
She murders a bottle of Brut in anticipation, while he continues to sway his hips like Arrow – taking no prisoners.
Lady Jane marvels at his beauty.
An admiration she wouldn’t normally entertain (appearing crudely shallow), if he were only a passing stranger.
Warmth, is magnified by his dark Balkan eyes shrouded in long, thick lashes – he is her lover.
He wears Jesus sandals, long sunbleached salt and pepper hair, a ponytail and a sculptured beard adorns his shirtless chest, complimenting his oh-so-sexy charisma.
Oozing like Fat Boy Slim, Craig Charles or Ronnie Size and the like,
he dances in joyous rapture, while gratitude tango’s a discourse; Shakespearean words leading Lady Jane into
break-dancing lines and sonnets.
Drawn to the outline of his magnificent manhood – her eyes,
widen
remembering that first feast of flesh under a cascading moonlit pool. His six foot one
stature conjuring lust and erotic embolisms.
Ashcat is her lush and she is his Lady Jane.
Gin and tonic martini’s mix into multiples of mischievous smiles, Mt Uncle
botanicals tittilating both of their senses.
*
Lady Jane snaps back to reality and uncrosses her legs,
flashing glimpses of her petite ankles in the pantomime.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
Photographer: Scott Wilcox, Fuzion Photography, 2017
“…fine tuning the in-between of harmony; hearts, earth & sky” JD Butler
Maximòn,
the epitome of balance:
patience & frustration,
softly spoken & vehement.
Ritual billowing, vaping
new life
into old lungs,
filtering
pure tobacco into undulating balls of steam.
His stage is an altar.
We dance, cleansing much more than our spirit,
fine tuning
the in-between
of harmony; hearts,
earth & sky.
Our effigy, enlightening the soul & keeping her secrets,
venerable in his wisdom.
Our Columbian overlord garnishes
the Mayan temple our grandfather’s bestowed.
Protective.
Upcycling shadows, illuminating the light –
breathing new life.
He is the embodiment of patronage & the people,
regenerating
health, crops, marriage, business, revenge & death.
Holding
our community together.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
The Daintree again,
eventually.
One more visit to Port Douglas & everything was shut!
For once, I didn’t feel
anything.
/
I never know if I’m going to see a cassowary,
or watch a ulysses flashing
cobalt blue wings
in the wood; my attention, caught off guard,
landing
on a branch or leaf – just out of
reach.
I hope for glimpses of colour
to blur my vision, invite me to follow that willow
like a wisp.
/
Steep curves in the road
climb &
descend &
slow down
for those shuddering bars strategically placed
becoming progressively more gnarly, closer
to paradise.
/
Lost.
Remembering chivalry – that warm endearing charm & seductive attention
that would set my seat aside, leaving me
to explore every crevice & fold.
For once, I didn’t feel
a thing.
/
Soldier crabs scurry into spherical holes dug deep into the sand, sidestepping that fine line; waves,
washing in & out
hiding those croc’s you know are just under the surface.
I dont bother scanning the rainforest for anything else
that moves.
I didn’t feel you there.
/
Braver than most – or foolish. I’m yet to decide.
I don’t remember butterflies.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
“Karma…she doesn’t rely on intel, cointel, black or psy ops of any kind” JD Butler
1.
Relationships,
are not all they’re cracked up to be.
They are like sabotaged roses; severed from stems,
rolling like heads,
to feel like
Oh!
/
I don’t know.
2.
Denial,
is like sleep walking, except star gazing in day dreams,
avoiding
a fourth kind encounter, shining a light beam on all our useless airs & graces.
Waking hours are left,
wanting.
3.
Karma’s, not any dirtier than her alter ego would suggest either.
At least she let’s you in,
ties you up,
then fucks you up the arse before she withdraws.
/
In her world, she doesn’t care.
She doesn’t rely on intel, cointel, black or psy ops of any kind,
in order to see past you & into the future.
To her, we are all space invaders that have the potential to devour.
4.
Russia, may be all over the West but Brainiac’s got the universe covered.
He sucks & fucks his way though world’s several times over – therefore, we won’t have a shit show in hell, by the time he gets here.
Putin’s already won his war anyway (the West is going down).
By the time you realise WTF just happened, that warm thermonuclear feeling you have between your legs –
will be soiling more than just your knickers.
5.
There is no infinity & beyond when relationships are run on bullshit.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
“I wrap myself around you because I never want to let you go” JD Butler
I recognise, that you are as sensitive as I am emotional & I understand you more everyday. It makes a change to see your demons rear their ugly head, while you trust
yourself for the most part & you’re not as corrupt as you think you are, or broken. I’m attracted to your strength. You could never be corrupt, although you carry a weight
upon your shoulders, that I have only just begun to comprehend. I only learn from what you share, to compare & you will share as you see fit, when the smoke clears & you can look me in the eyes; present,
your true colours in all their glory, will remember that responsibility means letting go – surrender, your last great bastion of growth.
*
I wrap myself around you because I never want to let you go.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
I can learn to trust:
Innocence, the touchy feely wonderfulness you share with everyone.
Respect, for private conversations with our beautiful friends.
Moments, when you forget you’re with me, until you remember lovingly.
Orbiter’s, that can barely disguise their agenda’s, until you assert yourself honestly.
Occasions, where I risk opening myself up to play – loving you.
Fear, when my thoughts take me to dark places & I have to learn to speak softly.
Silences, that are sacred reflections of us & I learn how to listen.
Times, when unconsciousness collides & I am awakened, letting go.
Your heart, that shines just for me in our togetherness.
*
I am learning to trust that I will be ok,
with you.
© Copyright 2018, Jodine Derena Butler & Poetry Out West. All Rights Reserved
